Care Packages???

Since I first started dating someone in the military, I have been fearing the dreaded first deployment and all its misery. He's been to training overseas, but that wasn't the same since he wasn't in battle, and it wasn't nearly as long, but here it is, a month and a half into our first deployment together. 

I haven't ever sent a personal care package. I've helped out with non-profits who told me what to get and where to bring it, but I certainly have never sent something through customs before. I spent hours searching the web, seeing all these overdone, wildly decorated boxes coordinated by color and theme, and that kind of stuff makes us not-so-creative types lose a little wind in our sails when we think the guy in the bunk next to him is getting that while your significant other is getting a box, so here are a few tips on your first non-over-the-top care package:

1. It's A Lot of Junk: If you send a box full of paper and decorations, you're wasting your money on shipping, and if there isn't a practical use to it, it's going in the trash because they don't have a lot of room to work with to begin with.
2. Multi-Use: The more uses he can get out of the things you send the better. That zip-lock bag you sent his toiletries in can be used for multiple things, and those are the items he will be grateful for.
3. Spoil Him: He may have the things he needs, but he may not have the things he's used to. Send him the shampoo and body wash he loves, eye drops or glass cleaning kits for the sand in his eyes, 100% cotton socks, comfy pajama pants, slippers, anything that will make him feel more at home. Items like Vicks VaporRup, Icy Hot, foot powder, and lip balm are also good ideas.  
4. Downtime: Did he bring his IPod over there with him? What about an e-reader? Those are great gifts that you can pre-load beforehand. Board games, cards, and dice are also great. 
5. You Know Your Guy: If he is into all that colorful, artsy-crafty crap, then go for it. I know my man would be like, "What the hell?" - if he got that from me. Now, my man loves coffee, booze, and his electronic cigarette. And since I can't send beer through customs (I don't think), I sent him a coffee maker that doesn't require power (just water) and all his favorite American coffee. If he likes books, send him one. If he likes X-Box, send him a game or two. Personalize for the person you're with, and don't make some cookie cutter care package you saw on Pintrest.
6. Be Thoughtful: With the little time you actually get to talk to your significant other, let him know you were listening. My guy told me when he first got there that it was super humid in their shipping container barracks, and after a little Google research, I found that mold has been an issue in the barracks at their particular base, so I made sure to include some small dehumidifiers (that again didn't require power) to try to make it more comfortable for him. 
7. Spice It Up: Send some Hot Sauce, Taco Bell packets, or make it a little more local with his favorite barbecue sauce from the restaurant he loves in town. There is plenty of food around base, but it's usually kind of bland, so these things are commodities there.
8. Send All the Good Stuff: He's not in the good US of A, so send him the things he misses from home. My gifts were the snacks, nuts, and candies he loves that aren't so readily available over there. Beef jerky and sunflower seeds are also good options.
9. Remember the Little Things: With the introduction of smart phones, most guys have access to pictures, messages, and videos, but anything personal usually gets pushed to the wayside. Depending on how secluded your guy is, you might want to include a USB with these items, but the best thing you could send him is a handwritten letter and maybe a few physical pictures inside.
10. Last Tips: Most posts will tell you not to send anything perishable, but I sent some securely-wrapped, homemade chocolate chip cookies for his birthday last care package, and they made it there fine. Just try to make sure you safely separate toiletries from foods because you don't want those cookies getting there covered in soap. Most of the time, the best way to do this is to send them in separate packages. 

The biggest thing to remember is that you know the person you're with, so you best know how to make him feel cared about. No matter what you see online, know that anything he gets from the person he misses at home will mean the absolute world to him. Deployment is hard, and if you've read this far, you're doing fine. He'll be home soon, and focusing on sweet things like this will only make the time go by faster!

Summer Bucket List!

With it already getting to 75 degrees and higher in good ol' Georgia, I guess it's time to start planning for Summer once again! Summer always seems to be the time we take our trips, even though the babies aren't in real school yet, and I can't wait to see what mischief we end up getting into as this Summer rolls around!

1. Fly kites
2. Run in the sprinkles
3. Jump on a trampoline
4. Fingerpaint
5. Play with play dough
6. Color
7. Play with stickers
8. Plant and pick flowers
9. Visit a museum
10. Play Ring-Around-the-Rosie
11. Go swimming
12. Make a paper plate mask
13. Watch fireworks
14. Watch a baseball game
15. Eat popsicles
16. Make a pillow fort
17. Donate some toys
18. Draw with chalk
19. Play with bubbles
20. Get a snow-cone or make them with a snow-cone machine
21. Paint with water colors
22. Build sand castles
23. Go to a theme park
24. Ride roller coasters
25. Go fishing (real or pretend)
26. Roller skate
27. Learn origami 
28. Skip rocks
29. Throw or attend a slumber party
30. Camp in the backyard
31. Play Dodge Ball
32. Attend a Community Kids Art Class
33. Complete your library's Summer Reading Program
34. Attend your library's summer events and activities
35. Set up a Lemonade Stand
36. Make a tree swing
37. Build a diorama
38. Sponge balls and splash tag
39. Throw a carnival party
40. Bury a time capsule
41. Start a collection (rocks, coins, etc.)
42. Hunt for sea shells
43. Make Homemade Glob (Gak)
44. Grow Plant Pals
45. Launch a homemade hot air balloon
46. Make paper bag puppets
47. Put on a play
48. Movie night in the backyard (drive-in movie)
49. Throw a family pizza party
50. Make (and break) Ice Fossils
51. Dance like no one's watching
52. Tour your own town
53. Make homemade musical instruments
54. Make a dirt cake
55. Cook s'mores over a fire
56. Play I Spy outside
57. Plant a vegetable garden
58. Learn a new sport
59. Make story stones
60. Play Simon Says
61. Play Red Light, Green Light
62. Feed the Ducks
63. Family Nap Day (Parents too!)
64. Try Geocaching 
65. Visit a new park
66. Go to the park at the library 
67. Attend a free kids workshop
68. Tour a local factory
69. Go to the aquarium
70. Organize a Summer Camp Exchange
71. Go a nature walk
72. Silly Races
73. Build something enormous
74. Create a new game
75. Make a home movie
76. Draw a Mini-Me on poster board
77. Sword fight with pool noodles
78. Climb a tree
79. Build a tree house
80. Write/illustrate a book
81. Make crayon rubbings
82. Outdoor Bingo - Nature items
83. Go bird watching
84. Create a Kid's Art Gallery
85. Build wind chimes (out of cans)
86. Build a bird feeder
87. Neighborhood squirt bottle or water gun fight
88. Get a backyard pool
89. Live in a fort for one day
90. Have a pajama day (or two!)
91. Watermelon eating contest
92. Trace shadows
93. Write a letter to a friend
94. Sharpie tie-dye t-shirts
95. Create a summer music play list
96. Go on a photo scavenger hunt
97. Play backyard Frisbee golf
98. Balloon ping pong
99. Start a summer journal
100. Play flashlight tag
101. Play hide-and-seek in the dark
102. Build a Terrarium
103. Visit a pick-your-own farm
104. Visit a petting zoo
105. Bake cookies together
106. Make a marble run
107. Watch a sunset

We Only Fall In Love With Three People In Our Lifetime - Each One for A Specific Reason

It’s Been Said That We Really Only Fall In Love With Three People In Our Lifetime.

Yet, it’s also believed that we need each of these loves for a different reason.

Often our first is when we are young, in high school even. It’s the idealistic love—the one that seems like the fairy tales we read as children.

This is the love that appeals to what we should be doing for society’s sake—and probably our families. We enter into it with the belief that this will be our only love and it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t feel quite right, or if we find ourselves having to swallow down our personal truths to make it work because deep down we believe that this is what love is supposed to be.

Because in this type of love, how others view us is more important than how we actually feel.

It’s a love that looks right.

The second is supposed to be our hard love—the one that teaches us lessons about who we are and how we often want or need to be loved. This is the kind of love that hurts, whether through lies, pain, or manipulation.

We think we are making different choices than our first, but in reality, we are still making choices out of the need to learn lessons—but we hang on. Our second love can become a cycle, oftentimes one we keep repeating because we think that somehow the ending will be different than before. Yet, each time we try, it somehow ends worse than before.

Sometimes it’s unhealthy, unbalanced, or narcissistic even. There may be emotional, mental, or even physical abuse or manipulation—most likely there will be high levels of drama. This is exactly what keeps us addicted to this story line, because it’s the emotional roller coaster of extreme highs and lows, and like a junkie trying to get a fix, we stick through the lows with the expectation of the high.

With this kind of love, trying to make it work becomes more important than whether it actually should.

It’s the love that we wished was right.

And the third is the love we never see coming. The one that usually looks all wrong for us and that destroys any lingering ideals we clung to about what love is supposed to be. This is the love that comes so easy it doesn’t seem possible. It’s the kind where the connection can’t be explained and knocks us off our feet because we never planned for it.

This is the love where we come together with someone, and it just fits—there aren’t any ideal expectations about how each person should be acting, nor is there pressure to become someone other than we are.

We are just simply accepted for who we are already—and it shakes to our core.

It isn’t what we envisioned our love would look like, nor does it abide by the rules that we had hoped to play it safe by. But still it shatters our preconceived notions and shows us that love doesn’t have to be how we thought in order to be true.

This is the love that keeps knocking on our door regardless of how long it takes us to answer.

It’s the love that just feels right.

Maybe we don’t all experience these loves in this lifetime, but perhaps that’s just because we aren’t ready to.

Maybe the reality is that we need to truly learn what love isn’t before we can grasp what it is.

Possibly we need a whole lifetime to learn each lesson, or maybe, if we’re lucky, it only takes a few years.

Perhaps it’s not about if we are ever ready for love, but if love is ready for us.

And then, there may be those people who fall in love once and find it passionately lasts until their last breath.

Those faded and worn pictures of our grandparents who seemed just as in love as they walked hand-in-hand at age 80 as they did in their wedding picture—the kind that leaves us wondering if we really know how to love at all.

Someone once told me they are the lucky ones, and perhaps they are.

But I kinda think that those who make it to their third love are really the lucky ones.

They are the ones who are tired of having to try and whose broken hearts lay beating in front of them wondering if there is just something inherently wrong with how they love.

But there’s not; it’s just a matter of if their partner loves in the same way they do or not.

Just because it has never worked out before doesn’t mean that it won’t work out now.

What it really comes down to is if we are limited by how we love, or instead love without limits. We can all choose to stay with our first love, the one that looks good and will make everyone else happy. We can choose to stay with our second under the belief that if we don’t have to fight for it, then it’s not worth having—or we can make the choice to believe in the third love.

The one that feels like home without any rationale; the love that isn’t like a storm—but rather the quiet peace of the night after.

And maybe there’s something special about our first love, and something heartbreakingly unique about our second…but there’s also just something pretty amazing about our third.

The one we never see coming.

The one that actually lasts.

The one that shows us why it never worked out before.

And it’s that possibility that makes trying again always worthwhile, because the truth is you never know when you’ll stumble into love.

To the Father Who Refuses to Pay Child Support

To the father who refuses to pay child support,

If you’re just doing it out of spite for me, the mother of your children who cares for them 99 percent of their lives, I just want to know one thing: Do you know what you’re doing?

Ask yourself, aside from financial assistance, what else are you doing?

When is the last time you trimmed tiny little fingernails? Do you wake up two hours or more ahead of your leave time to make sure you get yourself, as well as two tiny humans, ready for the day and out the door in time to make sure you’re not late for your clock-in time? Are you taking time off work to hold your child’s hand at doctor appointments, and how many days of work have you missed because of your child's runny nose? How many meals do you plan, purchase for about $150 a week, prepare, serve to, and clean up after other people on a daily basis? How many nights lately have you been woken up multiple times because of your child’s nightmares, or just the fact that they won’t sleep? When is the last time you did five loads of laundry on a Saturday, paying for the soap and hot water and dryer sheets, and then did another two loads for good measure on Tuesday when a blanket was covered in vomit and crackers? Do you know what stuffed animals they can’t sleep without and how they like their grilled cheese sandwiches cut? Do you know how many $39 boxes of diapers and $12 boxes of wipes a toddler goes through in year?

How many bathtubs full of hot water do you pay for in your house each month? How many packages of $12 toilet paper do you buy in a month, or tubes of $4 toothpaste? When is the last time you changed multiple sets of bed sheets at 4:00AM with a screaming, crying child needing you to make them feel better? When is the last time you bought a $9 bottle of baby Tylenol, and sacrificed your sleep just to monitor a fever and be prepared for an ER visit in the middle of the night with two fussy toddlers? Do you know the names of their teachers? How many class parties have you had to bring in food or treats to, along with 22 individually-wrapped gift bags? Do you know what size shoes they wear, and when is the last time you bought them a $20 pair? How many $5 bottles of children’s shampoo have you bought lately, or how about $6 boxes of dish detergent to run the dishwasher nightly? How many career opportunities have you given up because you put the priorities of your children first? When is the last time you buckled multiple car seat straps before you could run to the store just for a couple of things? How many $3 gallons of milk do you buy weekly? Where are you when your child needs to clean their room, or they spill spaghetti sauce all over their third outfit for the day and need to be changed?

Where are you? Are you doing these things, and if given the chance, could you do these things 24/7? Would you be able to do it alone, relying only on the income you could find time to create, and not paying anyone else to raise your kids? Could you do all of this alone? Are you doing any of this?

What are you doing?

Oh, that’s right, you’re working so hard. Never mind the fact that you’re bouncing from job to job, either under-working to be able to say you “can’t provide” what you should, or making $9 an hour more than me but don’t have enough money to pay your own bills. You’re working so hard. And you’ve got needs too. You have an electric bill to pay and you need gas for your truck. You’ve got to eat, and you’ve got to pay that $250 truck note and your car insurance because the amount of your bills will always outweigh my $1,080 that I must spend on rent and utilities just to keep a roof over our children’s heads. And when you only have so much left after that, why should you send “your” money to “help” the mother of your child? It was her choice to be in this situation, anyway, right? Maybe she should’ve just put up with your abuse, affair-filled relationship you had together that you decided to leave, and she wouldn’t be a single mom now. Maybe in a few weeks or months, if you make a little extra cash, you could decide to be so overly generous and send a couple hundred dollars. Not because you’re legally obligated, but because you are such a good guy lavishing your children with all you can spare, and you’re doing all you can, and she should be grateful you even want to help, right?

You’re wrong. 

Do you know what you’re doing? Where are you in the grocery store when someone must tell your child no, they can’t have the Pop Tarts with cartoon characters on them? Why don’t your children deserve new clothes, and trips to museums, zoos, aquariums, and to learn and experience new things? Why can’t they join gymnastics and karate or play a sport and do an activity they would really enjoy? Do you know how ever present you really are in your child’s life, simply with the gentle daily reminder that they live in a one income household and must make sacrifices? Why can’t your children grow up with a mother who lives a comfortable life? Why can’t they have a mother who doesn’t try her best to hide the anxiety in the house that comes from never knowing when your next payment might be? Why can’t they have a mother who allows herself to splurge on things like mascara and yoga pants that don’t have holes in them, instead of knowing she must put every penny towards her children? Why don’t your children deserve a vacation over the summer? Where are you when your child breaks a favorite toy and someone must tell them with a broken heart that they don’t have the money to replace it? Where are you when someone must tell your child to wear the same jeans again because he doesn’t have enough pairs to make it through the week? Or that not sending support makes the mother of your children have to choose between paying car insurance on the vehicle that takes your children back and forth from child care and the child care that allows her to go to work to be able to provide for them, or spending money on groceries, as well as a birthday cake for your daughter’s 4th birthday? What are you doing?

You’re defending yourself. You’ve got all the reasons why you are only doing what you can, and why the mother of your child doesn’t really need your help anyway. You’re sleeping well at night, and still carry that feeling that you’ve been treated with injustice. Everyone knows you’re a damn good father. You could raise your kids better than her anyway, right, all alone without help? And heaven forbid she start dating or have a boyfriend, isn’t that his problem who pays his damn water bill then? You didn’t tell her to move in with someone – she should be doing it all alone like you tell everyone you would be able to so perfectly and effortlessly.

I just want you to ask yourself that one question: Do you really know what you are doing when you refuse to send child support? Do you realize just how much you are doing to your child’s quality of life and well-being of their mother, just by doing nothing? Do you realize that no matter what happened between you and the woman you once loved enough to have a child with, that you are still responsible for the financial stability of your child and supporting the person who is devoting her entire life to raising your child? Not because you’re being generous, or because you got paid a little extra to spare like you’d toss to a homeless man on the corner, not because a court ordered you to do so, but because it’s your responsibility without expecting praise or over-the-top thank you notes in return. When is the last time you told that woman thank you for everything she does in a day for your child? You are not entitled to a thank you for providing financial assistance required for the basic necessities to raise your child.

Raising children is not a game of narcissism and rewards for good behavior. This shit is exhausting, and they are half your DNA. They are not only yours to claim when you’re showing off how they have your eyes and how you treated them to ice cream one weekend. The rest of the world might take your side. They might reassure you when you fish for attention on social media, that you are doing the best you can. You might have perfected the image of successful, over-worked man with only the best interests of his children in mind. Too bad they don’t know how many months of support you’re behind in, or how your children have become nothing more than an outstanding debt. Their mother’s pleas for help and financial assistance have become nothing more than another creditor blowing up your phone and not worth your time or cost. And just like every other bill you put off until it’s shut off, you’ll continue this route because nobody else knows, right? No matter what, they are “your” kids and you have rights too, right? Who cares if you aren’t supporting them?

To the father who refuses to pay child support, I think you know, deep inside, that you’re wrong. If only you could see what you’re really doing.