An Eleven-Month-Old's Letter to Santa!

Dear Santa, 

I am an eleven-month-old baby, and I write because my Mommy has been sending out my "Christmas List" to people, and her list does not in any way represent the things I really want. I could give two s**ts about receiving stacking cups.

And I know you're ready to make the joke about eleven-month-old babies and how all we want is the wrapping paper and the boxes. Touche. Santa. Touche. We do, of course, want those things. But, I have a number of additional things I want very badly.

My list is enclosed below. Have a lovely holiday. 

- Eleven-Month-Old Baby

A Comprehensive List of the 

Things I Want for Christmas:

Dearest Santa - For Christmas, I would like the following:

1. This Laptop Cord

I want this laptop cord more than I have ever wanted anything. Please! I also want the power strip with the orange button that lights up, as well as the cord to the X-Box, Daddy's chargers, and the cord to the living room fan. I would be okay with just a bunch of electrical cords in general, but I would really love these specific ones that I will climb and force my way to every chance I get.

2. This Wall-Mounted Entertainment Center

I have no idea why Mommy does not want me to play with this thing, as it is obviously a child's toy. I would like one for my room. 

3. Shoes

Mommy tries to put smaller versions of these on my feet (before I pull them off and throw them somewhere), but I would like a full-sized pair like the ones I find by the front door and inside Mommy and Daddy's closet. These will be for eating, of course.

4. Everybody's Eyeglasses

I pull these off the face of every person I meet, only to have them pried from my fingers and reclaimed by their original owners. I would love a pair of my own. Again, these will be for eating.

5. The Contents of This Thing

I would love for the contents of this thing to be emptied out onto the floor - particularly things like paper, used napkins, used q-tips, and any kind of string. If you would like to just take the contents of this bin and transfer them directly into my stocking, that would also be fine. I wouldn't mind having the dirty clothes in all the clothes baskets, as well.

6. Handfuls of the Dog's Fur

This stuff is the best. I keep trying to pull it off, but she moves frequently, making collection difficult. My favorite thing to do with it is put it in my mouth, and then immediately realize that I didn't want it in my mouth.

7. The Tear in the Carpet By Mommy and Daddy's Door

Such a strange existential dilemma. Like a secret agent, I spend countless time plotting for the time when Mommy isn't looking to make my way to it, and no matter how many times she moves me, I persistently go back to it. I need to pull the strings out of it, and I have to pull it up as far as it can go, just to see what's under it. I even need to pull it up more because the more I tear it, the more I discover. Like an archaeological dig, I need to keep digging to see what all is underneath. I know I can not have a "tear" per say, but this is supposed to be a list of the things I want, and I want this tear the way Gandhi wanted peace. The way the dog wants to lick my face. The way Daddy and Papa want to me stop pulling off their eyeglasses.

8. The Toilet

I can only sometimes catch this contraption open, and I love to stick my hands in it and splash around. I have no idea why everyone always says, "Ewww" because it is so much fun. I wish to have my own, so I can play in it when I want and for as long as I want without being pulled away from it.

9. This Button

I just want to push it over and over again because it turns the TV on and off right in the middle of Mommy and Daddy's favorite shows, and it makes the coolest static sound over and over and over again. I have no idea why they don't think it is nearly as neat as I do.

9. The Dog's Food

Every time I get close to this, someone pulls me away. If they don't want me to eat it, why is it on the floor? In fact, just unlimited access to the kitchen is fine with me.

10. One of These

I have no idea what it is, but it is apparently a lot of fun, given that Daddy never stops looking at it. Plus, it's bright with so many changing colors and interesting sounds. 

11. To Get Past This Chair

I don't really know what is beyond, as the light is usually off. All I know is that the floor is better, and it has one of those toilet things that I like so much, as well as a ton of other stuff I wish to explore. I just need a little help, Santa, because now, since I'm learning to walk, I have realized that I may not be able to crawl around it, but I may be able to turn sideways and squeeze through the hole. P.S. - There is another room like this across the hall, but its door is always closed, so I realize that's a lot to ask.

12. THIS Remote

They always try to give me the ones that don't light up, but this one changes the channels and turns the TV up as loud as it can go. Plus, it's oh so colorful.

13. This Musical Instrument



Even though I know how unstable it is, I love pulling myself up on this thing. I love banging on it because of the awesome hollow sound it makes. Why bring me a toy drum set, when you can just get me one of these noisemakers?